OBAMA’S PET EAGLE GOING THROUGH GOTH PHASE
WASHINGTON, D.C - Reports are coming in that President’s Obama’s pet eagle has become intensely interested in the subculture known as goth. It is yet unknown how long The White House Eagle has “been goth.”
"It happened all other sudden," President Obama was heard saying to a White House aid. "I just don’t know where this came from. One moment, his favorite music was ‘Weird Al’ Yankovic, the next, he’s listening to ‘The Cure’ all day."
Our Nation’s 44th President went on to say that his eagle used to enjoy going out with the family all the time, but now the president is lucky if he can even get the bird out of its bedroom at all.
"I mean, take last week, Obama went on, "Michelle and the girls and I were going to see Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2. [The Eagle] loved the first one! I even got it on DVD for him. But when I asked if he wanted to go, he just said, ‘I’m busy tonight.’ Then he put on his leather jacket to go god knows where."
The White House Eagle —who now insists on being called “Damian”—could not be reached for comment. However, reports have come in from all over the DC area of an eagle wearing black eyeliner hanging out with other eagles outside local malls. The eagles reportedly smoke clove cigarettes and talk about how “fake and brainwashed” everyone is.
Whether these reports are related to The White House Eagle is unknown.
At press time, Obama was standing alone in his living room, staring at a family picture that included The Eagle, taken one year prior.
"What the hell happened?" asked the leader of the free world. "We used to be so happy." •